By Arong, Hong Kong
In the past, I often actively fellowshiped about my experience and knowledge of God’s words at meetings. But my emotions often swung because of my brothers’ and sisters’ different reactions. Whenever I saw them attentively listening to my fellowshiping and frequently nodding their approval, I would feel elated, whereas when I saw they didn’t respond to my fellowshiping, my heart would sink. However, I didn’t notice these revelations until one meeting.
A Sister’s Words Causing Me to Sink Into Passivity
At a meeting, both a sister and I were just about to fellowship. Just then, the sister beside me touched me on my hand and said to me, “Let’s speak less and listen more. They fellowshiped wonderfully. We can receive the light more.” At that time, I didn’t mind her words and thought that it was right to receive more new light from others’ fellowship. However, after I got back home, her words kept echoing in my mind. I thought the reason why she said so was certainly because my fellowship was deficient and thus she didn’t like to listen to me. Thinking of that, I immediately became very depressed in my spirit.
During the following meetings, whenever I wanted to start my fellowship, I would remember her words, and then I would wimp out with the thought that “I don’t know whether there is light in my understanding. If not, how will my sisters see me?” Especially when I saw my sisters were responsive to the fellowship of a sister, who has not believed in God for as long as I have, my spirit became more depressed. I thought, “My fellowshiping never won such approval. It must be that I didn’t fellowship as wonderfully as she. Forget it, I had best not speak, otherwise they will see that. It’s better to go home and equip myself with the truth. I should only fellowship when I have received much illumination at home.”
Afterward, as long as I was free I would read God’s words. Yet for some unknown reason, I simply could not quiet myself and I even felt increasingly muddle-headed when I read. Every time when I was on my way to attend meetings, I would tell myself in my heart, “This time I must start communicating, no matter what. Otherwise, how will my sisters see me?” But after I arrived at the meeting place, I would get very nervous. My whole mind would be occupied with thoughts of what I was supposed to say when it was my turn to fellowship. When I thought about that, I couldn’t receive any enlightenment of the Holy Spirit. So even if I read God’s words I didn’t understand anything. Once, a sister suddenly said to me, “Arong, we haven’t heard you fellowship of late. Please fellowship what you know. Let’s learn from each other.” Hearing that, I felt so embarrassed that my face was burning and my mind was blank. As a result, I was unable to say anything. So, I hurriedly found an excuse and left.
On my way home, I felt very upset and ill at ease. I thought, “Recently, my state has become increasingly worse. And I couldn’t receive the enlightenment of the Holy Spirit during the meetings. This time, I was even unable to communicate the truth. If this continues, what will my sisters think of me?” The more I thought of that, the more afraid I became, to the point that I was afraid to attend the following meetings.
So, after arriving home, I hurriedly came before God and prayed to Him, “O God! I don’t know what’s happening to me. When I read Your word, I was unable to absorb any of it. And I was unable to communicate any truths in today’s meeting. Now, I’m even afraid of attending meetings. O God! Please inspire and guide me, to have me understand Your will, and to know where I went wrong. May You help me. Amen!”
